


jitters

by whitedamnroses



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Genderfluid Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-17
Updated: 2015-09-17
Packaged: 2018-04-21 04:52:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4815722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whitedamnroses/pseuds/whitedamnroses
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jeonghan is a ‘‘they’’ and Seungcheol cares. He's clumsy and awkward but he cares.</p>
            </blockquote>





	jitters

**Author's Note:**

> Jeonghan is a "they" in this fanfic. It's a bit hard to get used to it but as you're reading, hopefully it'll become natural heh~  
> __________________  
> ALSO I posted this on tumblr and livejournal already but I realized I liked AO3 a lot better so here! :->  
> I added a short Seungcheol POV, that I wrote for a LJ friend.
> 
> I hope you like it! ♥

Jeonghan doesn’t really know who they are. In fact, they’re pretty sure they do know but society keeps telling them to make a decision, to be one or the other. A girl or a boy. Nothing in between, nothing else. But Jeonghan feels differently about this. 

They don’t feel like they belong to any “side” more than to the other. They even find it quite fun to fluctuate between both genders. It’s not because of the way they dress, the way they act or the body they would like to have. Instead, it’s something in their heart that constantly reminds them how wrong it feels when old ladies on the train call them “sir”. It’s like a loud alarm that keeps ringing in their head. 

There a days where they are a sir, days where they a lady but there are also days where none of these terms apply to them.

Despite the distress they feel whenever people misgender them, Jeonghan stopped worrying about “being weird” a long time ago. Jeonghan had always loved themselves and they were, without a doubt, extremely confident in who they were. They never wished to have been made differently, not even when their mom had told them that they had to work hard and make money to be a “good husband”. Sure, there were days where Jeonghan felt completely isolated, days where they hated the world for making it hard for people like them but they strongly believed they weren’t at fault. Them and all the other genderfluid people that walked the Earth. 

Thankfully, they knew there were other people like them.  
They had found plenty of those “weird” people on the Internet, people who shared the same feelings and struggles as them. People who, thanks to their simple existence, had comforted them and helped them accept and understand themselves better. 

But even though they had learned a lot about what gender fluidity was, Jeonghan had never spoke about it to the other members. It was probably because they had never been the most eloquent person out there so they didn’t think they could explain what it was to anyone around them without sounding crazy.

“I just wish people could stop trying to make me fit into a mold. I’m comfortable with who I am.”

Jeonghan’s voice echoes in the room.

“Mhm… I see. So you’re both a guy and a chick, depending on the day…That’s interesting. ”

It’s 3:00AM and the thirteen boys had only slept 2 hours the night before. Everyone is passed out on the practice room’s floor except for Jeonghan and the group leader Seungcheol who’re having a weird (almost drunk) talk while browsing on their phones. It’s almost became a little ritual for the two oldest members .  
Jeonghan opens really big incredulous eyes and takes their eyes off their phone to look at a pensive Seungcheol who’s staring at the ceiling. 

"I don’t really know how this works… but wait, actually, I remember reading something about that on the Internet! Should I ask if there is a particular pronoun you prefer to go by…?"

“Eh?!”

Jeonghan gasps when they fall into the quick realization that Seungcheol had been there the whole time and that he had actually listened to the entirety of their rant. Usually they don’t really discuss serious stuff, they just both take turns to complain about the other members’ snoring and bad habits at the dorm. But this time, Jeonghan realizes, they let their rants go too far and they’ve talked about their feelings too openly. 

It all started off with Jeonghan complaining about their mom’s comments and how often they got ridiculed over their looks by complete strangers.

“You look like a girl, baby. You should cut that long feminine hair and grow some muscles.”  
“Geez, I feel kinda gross for saying that but you look hot for a boy. I'd even let you touch me.”  
“Are you some kind of pervert? You look weird for a dude.”

Jeonghan can feel the anger building up inside of them as they start explaining how upsetting it is to be constantly criticized, how they wish people could just understand that they don’t want to look masculine. They got into such a heated monologue that they hadn’t realize that Seungcheol was religiously listening to them. Despite getting a rather understanding reaction from Seungcheol, Jeonghan is scared that they might have grossed out the boy and that his reaction had come out of pure pity.

Seungcheol turns to look back at Jeonghan, flushed and visibly panicked.

“W-wait, I fucked up right? ”

Jeonghan still can’t say anything. While they're staring at Seungcheol (who nervously ruffles his blonde hair), they realize they're out of breath and it feels like their lungs are about to explode. 

"Did I? I probably did! Fuck. Sorry. I really don’t know how all of this works…"

Seungcheol is a mess so he takes a second to collect his thoughts before resuming. 

“What I meant to say is… I’m glad you told me about this and it doesn’t really change anything to me. And to the others. I’m not very knowledgeable about this stuff but I promise I will learn if you tell me it’s important to you. Because you’re my..eh.. our one and only Jeonghan and whether you’re a boy, a girl, both or neither one of them doesn’t matter to me… And the rest too, of course. We all love you. That’s what I meant to say. I think.”

The "thing" in Jeonghan's chest that was threatening to blow up suddenly vanishes and instead, they're filled them with warmth, a tingling sensation that is weird and totally unknown to them.  
Jeonghan had never believed they needed approval to feel good about themselves but they can’t deny that acceptance and support feel amazing, like the weight of the world lifted off their shoulders. Somewhere under all that flamboyant confidence of theirs, they had their secret insecurities and their underlying fear of being rejected by those they loved.

Seungcheol is a stuttering jittery mess and Jeonghan can’t help but think he looks adorable with the pink blush on his cheeks that spreads all the way to his ears and neck.  
Jeonghan knows how to recognize a love confession when he hears one and that’s the closest Seungcheol has been to one so far. It’s no secret to anyone in the group that the leader has a crush on Jeonghan and had they not been touched by his clumsy words, they would have loved to poke fun at him…

“They/them.”

“Ah?”

Seungcheol stops fidgeting and looks back at Jeonghan. When their eyes meet, Jeonghan feels weird and horribly self-conscious so they stare down at the floor, unable to hold back the embarrassed smile that forms on their lips as they feel the heat rise to their cheeks. 

“It would be nice if you could refer to me as they/them.”

There’s a silence during which they don’t dare look at Seungcheol. It’s probably because Jeonghan’s moved. Also, they’re suddenly deadly embarrassed and they can’t quite understand why. They end up gathering their courage and looking up just on time to catch the birth of Seungcheol’s trademark gummy smile on his lips. 

“They/them it will be then!”  
"A beautiful smile", Jeonghan thinks as their heart skips a beat.

In normal time, they would enjoy making fun of Choi Seungcheol’s flushed expression but they’re not sure it would be credible with how hot their face feels.

\- Seungcheol POV -

“What I meant to say is… I’m glad you told me about this and it doesn’t really change anything to me. And to the others. I’m not very knowledgeable about this stuff but I promise I will learn if you tell me it’s important to you. Because you’re my..eh.. our one and only Jeonghan and whether you’re a boy, a girl, both or neither one of them doesn’t matter to me… And the rest too, of course. We all love you. That’s what I meant to say. I think.”

There’s a silence that follows the leader’s words.

“I think?” Seungcheol mentally facepalms.  
Good job Choi Seungcheol, way to sound like a clumsy father reacting to their kid’s coming out.

Seungcheol honestly meant all the things he said. 100% of them. He just wishes he could’ve conveyed his feelings in a cooler way, like these guys in dramas confessing their love to their favorite person in the whole world. Because that's what Jeonghan is to Seungcheol.

Seungcheol likes Jeonghan.  
He wishes he had the courage to could tell Jeonghan that he, as a person, as a man, likes them regardless of their gender. He wishes he wasn’t so scared of telling them that he likes the Jeonghan that wakes him up in the morning with a cup of Americano, that he likes the Jeonghan that always remembers what Seungcheol wants to eat when they have to order at their favorite Chinese place and even the diva Jeonghan that always uses up all the hair care products right before schedules. 

From day one, Jeonghan has been the last person Seungcheol would think about before sleeping. And to this day, they were still the first thought he woke up to every morning. 

He wishes he could tell the world that he’s head over heels for the emotional Jeonghan that just trusted him with their secret.  
Because that’s the Jeonghan Seungcheol _loves._

“It would be nice if you could try to refer to me as they/them.”

Jeonghan offers their brightest smile, Seungcheol’s favorite smile in the whole universe. His brain stops working for a few seconds and he feels a sudden squeezing pain in his chest, a pain that he knows only Jeonghan can be the cause of.

“They/them it will be then!”

Seungcheol stares at the ceiling, embarrassed and he makes a promise to himself.  
After the next practice, when everyone will be asleep except the both of them, he’s the one who’s going to tell Jeonghan his secret.


End file.
